搞笑短信（中英文对照）,学英语从这里开始

人仔┽怪怪

One Side of the Case
一面之辞

A judge asked our group of potential jurors whether anyone should be excused, and one man raised his hand.
　　一位法官问我们这群修补陪审员是否有人应当免权。一个人举起了手。
"I can't hear out of my left ear," the man told the judge.
　　“我的左耳听不见。”那人告诉法官。
"Can you hear out of your right ear?" the judge asked. The man nodded his head.
　　“你的右边耳朵听得见吗？”法官问道。那人点了点头。
"You'll be allowed to serve on the jury," the judge declared. "We only listen to one side of the case at a time."
　　“你将被允许加入陪审团，”法官宣布。“我们每次只听一面之辞。”

[ 本帖最后由 人仔┽怪怪 于 2008-8-31 12:57 编辑 ]

人仔┽怪怪

A Smugglar
走私犯

The suspicious-looking man drove up to the border, where he was greeted by a sentry. When the guard looked in the trunk, he was surprised to find six sacks bulging at the seams.
　　一个形迹可疑的人开车来到边境，哨兵迎了上去。哨兵在检查汽车行李箱时，惊奇地发现了六个接缝处鼓得紧绷绷的大口袋。

"What's in here?" he asked.
　　“里面装的是什么？”他问道。
"Dirt," the driver replied.
　　“土。”司机回答。
"Take them out," the guard instructed. "I want to check them."
　　“把袋子拿出来”，哨兵命令道：“我要检查。”
Obliging, the man removed the bags, and sure enough, each one of them contained nothing but dirt. Reluctantly, the guard let him go.
　　那人顺从地把口袋搬了出来。确实，口袋里除了土以外，别无他特。哨兵很不情愿地让他通过了。
A week later the man came back, and once again, the sentry looked in the truck.
　　一周后，那人又来了，哨兵再次检查汽车上的行李箱。
"What's in the bags this time?" he asked.
　　“这次袋子里装的是什么？”他问道。
"Dirt, more dirt." said the man.
　　“土，又运了一些土。”那人回答。
Not believing him, the guard checked the sacks and, once again, he found nothing but soil.
　　哨兵不相信，对那些袋子又进行了检查，结果发现，除了土以外，仍旧一无所获。
The same thing happened every week for six months, and it finally became so frustrating to the guard that he quit and became a bartender.
　　同样的事情每周重演一次，一共持续了六个月。最后，哨兵被弄得灰心丧气，干脆辞职去当了酒吧侍者。
Then one night, the suspicious-looking fellow happened to stop by for a drink. Hurrying over to him, the former guard said, "Listen, pal, drinks are on the house tonight if you'll do me a favor: Just tell me what the hell you were smuggling all that time."
　　有天夜里，那个形迹可疑的人碰巧途经酒吧，下车喝酒。那位从前的哨兵急忙迎上前去对他说，“我说，老兄，你要是能帮我一个忙，今晚的酒就归我请客。你能不能告诉我，那段时间你到底在走私什么东西？”
Grinning broadly, the man leaned close to the bartender's ear and whispered, "Cars."
　　那人俯身过来，凑近侍者的耳朵，裂开嘴笑嘻嘻地说：“汽车。”

人仔┽怪怪

Difference
区 别

"I can always tell a graduate class from an undergraduate class," observed the instructor in one of my graduate engineering courses at California State University in Los Angeles. "When I say, 'Good afternoon,' the undergraduates respond, 'Good afternoon." But the graduate students just write it down."
　　“研究生班和本科生很容易就能区别开来，”在洛杉矶加利福利亚州立大学给我们研究生上工程学课的老师如此说。“我说‘下午好’，本科生们回答说‘下午好’。研究生们则把我说的话记在笔记本上。”

人仔┽怪怪

A Nail Or A Fly?
钉子还是苍蝇？

An old gentleman whose eyesight was failing came to stay in a hotel room with a bottle of wine in each hand. On the wall there was a fly which he took for a nail. So the moment he hung them on, the bottles fell broken and the wine spilt all over the floor.
　　一位视力正在衰退的老绅士住进了一家旅馆的客房。他双手各拿一瓶酒。在墙上有只苍蝇，他误以为是枚钉子。他把两只瓶子朝上一挂，瓶子掉下来摔碎了，酒洒了一地。
When a waitress discovered what had happened, she showed deep sympathy for him and decided to do him a favour.
　　一个女服务员发现发生的事情以后，对他深表同情，决定帮他个忙。
So the next morning when he was out taking a walk in the roof garden, she hammered a nail exactly where the fly had stayed.
　　于是，第二天早上他到楼顶花园散步时，她把一枚钉子钉在了苍蝇停过的地方。
Now the old man entered his room. The smell of the spilt wine reminded him of the accident. When he looked up at the wall, he found the fly was there again! He walked to it carefully adn slapped it with all his strength.
　　这里，老人回到了房里。倒洒的酒味让他想起了那件事。他抬头往墙上一看，苍蝇又停在了那儿！他轻手轻脚地走近，使尽全力拍了一掌。
On hearing a loud cry, the kind-hearted waitress rushed in. To her great surprise, the poor old man was there sitting on the floor, his teeth clenched and his right hand bleeding!
　　听到一声大叫，好心的女服务员冲进房来。让她大为吃惊的是，可怜的老头正坐在地板上，牙关紧咬，右手滴血不止。

人仔┽怪怪

英文幽默左耳朵进右耳朵出

I'm Trying to Stop It

"Boy, why have you got cotton-wool in your ear? Is it infected?"
　　“孩子，你为什么用棉花塞住耳朵？它感染了吗？”
"No, sir, but you said yesterday that everything you told me went in one ear and out the other, so I am trying to stop it."
　　“没有，老师。可是你昨天说你告诉我的知识都是一个耳朵里进，一个耳朵里出，所以我要把它堵在里面。”

人仔┽怪怪

鱼网
"Can you tell me what fish net is made, Ann?"
"A lot of little holes tied together with strings." replied the little girl. 鱼网
“你能告诉我鱼网是什么做的吗，安？”老师发问道。
“把许多小孔用绳子栓在一起就成了鱼网了。”小女孩回答道。

人仔┽怪怪

Contented Married Life
令人满意的婚姻生活

A man was telling one of his friends the secret of his contented married life, "My wife makes all the small decisions," he explained, "and I make all the big ones, so we never interfere in each other's business and never get annoyed with each other. We have no complaints and no arguments."
　　一个男人告诉他的朋友自己婚姻幸福美满的秘密，“小事都由我妻子决定，”他解释说：“而我只管大事，我们从不互相干涉，从不生对方的气。我们从来没有抱怨、没有争吵。”

"That sounds reasonable," answered his friend sympathetically. "And what sort of decisions does your wife make?"
　　“听起来很有道理，”他的朋友深有同感，“有哪些事情由你妻子作决定呢？”

"Well," answered the man, "she decides what jobs I apply for, what sort of house we live in, what furniture we have, where we go for our holidays, and things like that."
　　“嗯，”那个人回答说：“她决定我申请什么工作，我们住什么房子，买什么家具，去哪里度假这些事情。”

His friend was surprised. "Oh?" he said. "And what do you consider important decisions then?"
　　他的朋友很惊奇的问道：“哦？那么你决定哪些重要事情？”

"Well," answered the man, "I decide who should be Prime Minister, whether we should increase our help to poor countries, what we should do about the atom bomb, and things like that."
　　“嗯，”他回答：“我决定谁来当首相，我们是否要增加对贫困国家的援助，怎么处理原子弹等等这些问题。”

人仔┽怪怪

新老师
The New Teacher
George comes from school on the first of September.
"George, how did you like your new teacher?" asked his mother.
"I didn't like her, Mother, because she said that three and three were six and then she said that two and four were six too....."
新老师
9月1日， 乔治放学回到家里。
“乔治，你喜欢你们的新老师吗？” 妈妈问。
“妈妈，我不喜欢，因为她说3加3得6, 可后来又说2加4也得6。”

人仔┽怪怪

一次物理考试A physics Examination
Once in a physics examination, Nick finished the first question very soon, while his classmates were thinking it hard.
The question was: When it thunders why do we see the lighting first, then hear the thunderrolls?
Nick's answer: Because our eyes are before ears. 一次物理考试
　　在一次物理考试时，当同学们都还在苦思冥想时，尼克很快就答好了第一个问题。
　　这个问题是：为什么在打雷时，我们总是先看到闪电后听到雷声？
　　尼克的回答是：因为眼睛在前，耳朵在后。

人仔┽怪怪

业余工作
Part-time Job
When my son was a hign-school sophomore, he got a part-time job sacking groceries at a supermarket. He came home all smiles.
"How was your first day?" I asked.
"It was great, Dad," he replied. "I got to talk to some good-looking girls."
Since Stephen is not very talkative, I asked, "What did you say to them?"
"Do you prefer paper or plastic?"

业余工作
　　我儿子在一所中学读二年级时，在一家超级市场找到了一份包装商品的业余工作。他满面笑容地回到了家。
　　“第一天感觉如何？”我问。
　　“好极了，爸爸。”他答道，“我跟许多漂亮的女孩子讲了话。”
　　由于斯蒂芬不善言谈，我问道：“你跟他们说了些什么？”
　　“你是喜欢纸包装还是塑料包装？”